Unspoken Violations of Unspoken Roommate Policy
Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy
Disclaimer: Shondaland, ABC, and all those guys own the copyright on the characters, not me.
Summary: Cristina’s roommate is nailing Cristina’s archnemesis in Cristina’s apartment. How wrong is that?
Cristina’s groove strains — just a little — when she walks into her apartment to hear Callie screaming her head off. It’s weird, because Callie has many little bad habits, but she’s never actually brought Sloan home with her. They have an unspoken rule about it.
Well, they HAD an unspoken rule.
But whatever, Cristina won a round against Hahn tonight and is going to teach Lexie how to be a good surgeon without being an iron bitch or a false messiah, so she’s…oh, for fuck’s sake.
Callie’s jeans are on the floor in the hall, and her panties, and there’s the shirt, and hanging on the coffee table is…
Huh. Cristina’s no boob expert, but Callie’s bra is a little small for her. Or maybe big-boobed chicks wear smaller bras, and if so, that’s another reason to be glad she’s flat.
But that’s when Cristina spots the second pair of panties. Cute blue floral boy shorts, a pair that Cristina has seen more than once, because Callie’s a flagrant nudist who thinks as long as you can’t see pink, you’re not actually inappropriately naked.
So who is the mystery owner of the black cotton bikinis next to Callie’s jeans? Because sure, McSteamy’s a kinky guy, but not in the ladies’ underwear way.
And that’s when clearly not Mark Sloan starts yelling for her god, oh yes, fuck yes.
Seriously, this is not okay. Never mind that Cristina didn’t know Callie was bi, what the hell? Is Sloan in there with Callie and her new lady friend? Cristina is pretty sure given Callie’s constant bitching about Sloan giving her crotch burn from the beard that Callie is fucking McSteamy again. So if there’s a girl in Callie’s room, it probably means there is a threesome in progress.
Callie having a threesome in the apartment is so not okay. Like, okay, maybe if Callie had said, “um, there may be some freaky stuff going down, fair warning,” but even then, ew.
Seriously, what nurse in her right mind would be in for a threesome with Torres and Sloan? None of them, so maybe…maybe it’s not a threesome?
Cristina is about to burst, she’s now totally curious, and she kind of wants to call Meredith and ask if Meredith knows if any girl nurses are so into McSteamy they’d screw Callie. Except Callie, for all her other problems, doesn’t seem like she’d have a threesome to make Sloan happy, so it would have to be a woman Callie likes.
And really, the thing is, McSteamy redux only heated up after Addison’s visit. Before that, Callie’s only visitor at the apartment was…
Cristina feels it is not wrong to go through the unfamiliar purse to find out that yes, Callie is indeed currently banging Erica Hahn. Erica Hahn, Cristina’s archnemesis, is having noisy lesbian sex in Cristina’s apartment.
There are no words for how completely wrong that is.
Damn it. This can only lead to awkward mornings where Cristina and Hahn try to ignore each other while Hahn brushes her teeth and pretends not to know that Cristina knows about her banging Callie until two in the morning.
If she were a worse person, she’d totally blackmail the hell out of Hahn. Cristina would probably buy an entire bag of lollipops and suck them suggestively at consults. Of course, the potential problem with that is Torres realizing that Cristina was taunting her girlfriend, and one day, Callie snapping and finally slugging someone in the face.
Cristina strongly prefers that person be Izzie. Nothing personal, but after all the Ms. Trailer Park talk, watching the heiress win the fight would be hilarious and satisfying.
Okay, maybe that’s personal. And not the point. The point that Cristina’s archnemesis is getting laid in Cristina’s apartment, which Cristina herself hasn’t managed since Burke left her at the altar like the complete asshole he is underneath the saintly act.
Maybe it won’t suck. Maybe Hahn is one of those people who gets really happy and friendly after good sex. Like, “Yang, don’t you think the clouds are looking especially fluffy today? Why don’t you do my triple bypass for me?”
Man, if only. Cristina’s pretty sure that Hahn’s reaction to realizing that Cristina’s in on her torrid affair with Callie is going to be kicking Cristina’s ass or at least telling her that she will kick her ass into next week if Cristina tries to blackmail her.
But Cristina has her groove back! She has the Chief on her side — kind of — and someone with groove can overcome a bitchy non-mentoring mentor having sex in her apartment. There has to be a solution for this.
She is going to call Meredith. That is an excellent temporary solution. Heck, Meredith even answers the phone.
“What?” Meredith asks bitchily.
“I need advice,” Cristina says. “What’s wrong with you? I thought you had a tumor success.”
“Derek and I were about to make up and then he had to run off and go break up with Rose first,” Meredith replies.
“Oh no, that’s awful, I am in shock,” Cristina says flatly, heading for her room. God, if McDreamy ever did something right on the first try, Cristina would probably have a heart attack right alongside Meredith. And she knows he loves Meredith, but Derek Shepherd is still a worthless boyfriend. Just in Cristina’s opinion. “Callie is banging Hahn in my apartment as we speak.”
Meredith chokes. “Seriously?” she asks.
“Seriously,” Cristina replies. “I went through Hahn’s purse to make sure.”
“Callie who was married to George and is having sex with Sloan again is having lesbian sex in your apartment?” Meredith asks. “With Hahn?”
“The kind of lesbian sex that leaves women’s clothing strewn across my apartment, even,” Cristina agrees. “Um, more of them, anyway.”
“What are you going to do?” Meredith asks. She sounds remarkably cheerful about Hahn having lesbian dealings in Cristina’s apartment. Probably because it’s drama that doesn’t involve her or McDreamy or George having sex with inappropriate people. Also, because if it wasn’t Cristina suffering this — like, if it had happened to Izzie? — it would be hilarious.
“I’m going to be classy,” Cristina decides, just like that.
“Classy?” Meredith asks.
“Classy,” Cristina says. “Gracious. I will brush my teeth in the kitchen if I have to. I will discreetly ask Callie not to leave her bra on my coffee table instead of saying, ‘yo, tell your girlfriend if she leaves her bra on my table, she has to cut me in on the next surgery’ the way I really, really want to.”
Mer snorts. “You’ll crack in two days. Especially because this is serious blackmail material.”
“No. I have discipline. I have groove,” Cristina states firmly. “I’ll discreetly make sure they know I know, and then I won’t say a word. So you can’t tell Alex about this. Or anyone.”
“But this is awesome,” Meredith says with a vocal pout. “This is drama that doesn’t involve any of us.”
“I know,” Cristina says. “But for the love of my career, we need to be classy.”
“Does this make Callie the biggest drama queen at Seattle Grace?” Meredith asks thoughtfully while Cristina paces back and forth in her room, trying to figure out what she can do that is classy. “I mean, there was the Vegas wedding to George, and the time she said my panties were hers, though that was really nice of her, then there was all the McSteamy action, and now this.”
“It explains why she asked us why nobody ever thought we were lesbians,” Cristina says.
“Oh, that’s so true,” Meredith agrees. “So we’re going to be classy? How?”
“I know how,” says Cristina with a smirk as inspiration hits again.
Tomorrow, there will be a neat, folded pile of clothes sitting on the coffee table. No note, no nothing.
See? Classy and very twenty-first century.
Cristina feels good about the plan. Her groove continues to be back, and she’s growing. Plus, once Callie cracks in two days the way she will because Callie is the worst person at keeping a secret ever, she can ride George for a month about how he turned Callie gay.
If she can just manage to fold clothes right, Cristina Yang is getting some classy karmic retaliation and she is loving it.