I Am Not Jason Bateman [Arrested Development, RPF]

I Am Not Jason Bateman
by Jennifer-Oksana
Fandom: Arrested Development
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: AD 3.01
Warnings: Real People, General Wrongness, Abuse of Steve Holt and the Hot Cops. Also, screenplay format.
Disclaimer: Hurwitz Company owns the rights, this is a satire/parody and thus fits under “fair use” rights. Not real, not getting paid.
Summary: The Bluth family goes to a sci-fi convention and runs into the cast of the new Battlestar Galactica, just when Lucille’s old rival, Kitty 2, makes for several cases of mistaken identity and intergenerational romance.

[Theme and Credits]

[Pasadena Convention Center. Daytime. Lines of geeks surround the block, wearing costumes. One runs up to Michael, who is with George Michael and is looking around, dismayed.]

GEEK: Oh my God, you’re Jason Bateman! I loved you in Family Ties!

MICHAEL: I’m not, and that was Justine, buddy.

NARRATOR: Thanks to a recent agreement with prosecutors, and the combined pleadings of both Lindsay and GOB, Michael Bluth had agreed to have Bluth Company money support a fundraiser to help pay for healthcare for magicians and other underrepresented creative artists.

GEORGE MICHAEL: [wearing a Star Wars costume, including light saber] This is so great! I didn’t know you got us tickets to the Pasadena Sci-Fi Convention.

NARRATOR: Michael hadn’t, either. This was because the complimentary tickets sent to the Bluth family had been stolen by Tobias, who saw the convention as a chance to make his big break into the industry.

[Flashback: Tobias stealing the tickets. And then falling over himself.]

MICHAEL: I didn’t, buddy. But let’s hop in line and buy ourselves a pair of tickets, because this sure looks like…a swinging party.

[CUT TO: Maeby, who is looking around the crowd of geeks and groaning before she spots Michael and George Michael.]

MAEBY: Hey, you guys, you’re not waiting in line, are you?

MICHAEL: Well, that is what you have to do to get tickets.

MAEBY: Whatever. That line’s like, an hour long —

NARRATOR: In fact, it was three-hour line.

MAEBY: And I won some complimentary passes from school, so come on in with me as my guests.

NARRATOR: This was also a lie. Maeby had been comped tickets to the Pasadena Sci-Fi Convention as part of her job as a moderately successful film executive. She had been told to scope out any actors who had been popular ten or fifteen years ago, especially women, as the success of “Desperate Housewives,” “Commander in Chief” and Demi Moore’s marriage to Ashton Kutcher had made fortysomething-plus women the hottest demographic in Hollywood.

MICHAEL: Well, that’s really generous of you, Maeby. Don’t you think so, George Michael?

[George Michael shares a guilty glance with Maeby. Both look away.]

GEORGE MICHAEL: Yeah, she’s really great. Hey, look, the cast of the new Battlestar Galactica is going to be here.

MAEBY: Great. Any middle-aged actresses with Oscar-caliber acting credentials hiding out there? Or just the usual trainwreck of C-list nobodies with giant followings on the Internet and Canadian extras gotten lucky?

[Michael and George Michael both give Maeby a strange look. She realizes what she’s said, and grins and laughs.]

MAEBY: I, uh, heard my dad talking about it. He lost the part of Scared Victim #4 to a Canadian guy and was really, you know, Dad about it.

NARRATOR: While Maeby was busily covering up her film connections, Lucille and Buster were having an argument about Buster attending the Pasadena Sci-Fi Convention.

LUCILLE: I don’t like the idea. You know that those science fiction fans are all pathetic losers who live at home with their parents. And I don’t want you bringing one of them into my home.

BUSTER: [wearing a silvery jumpsuit] Mother! You can’t control my life like this anymore! I am a grown man and I want to go to the Pasadena Sci-Fi Convention!

LUCILLE: Fine, grown man. How are you going to get there if Mother doesn’t drive you?

BUSTER: I’ll call Michael!

GEORGE SR: [offscreen] Oh, for [bleep] sake, Lucille, get him the [bleep] out of the house.

LUCILLE: Don’t tell me how to raise my son, you [bleep] [bleep]!

NARRATOR: But it was at this moment that Lucille happened to look out her window — and got a big surprise.

LUCILLE: Okay, I’ll take you. But first you have to help Mother dress up, too.

BUSTER: Yay!

[Cut to: Lucille and Buster, half-racing through the parking lot at Balboa Towers, dressed in matching costumes from some previous Motherboy.]

BUSTER: Mother, why are we moving so fast?

NARRATOR: But it was too late. The person Lucille was trying to avoid had spotted her.

PERSON: Lucille! Lucille Bluth, is that you?

LUCILLE: Oh, damn it. I was trying to avoid that whore Kitty, but you screwed that up, Buster.

BUSTER: [jumps] Kitty? Where?

NARRATOR: But the woman Lucille was referring to was not Kitty Sanchez, George Senior’s mistress and secretary…

[Quick Montage: Kitty pulling up her top at various Bluths, Kitty saying, “you get really girly after” to GOB, et cetera]

NARRATOR: But another Kitty, who had also had an affair with George Senior, many years ago, and bears an uncanny resemblance to actress Mary McDonnell, who just happens to star in the new Battlestar Galactica.

[Cut to: Kitty 2, who looks suspiciously like Mary McDonnell. Buster looks at Kitty 2, and his eyes widen in recognition.]

BUSTER: Oh my God, Mother, you know her?

LUCILLE: Unfortunately. Kitty! Kitty DuBois, I haven’t seen you in ages.

[The two women air-kiss. Buster is absolutely appalled.]

KITTY 2: Lucille, you look fantastic. And who’s this handsome man?

BUSTER: [half-hysterical] Oh my God, you think I’m handsome? Eee!

NARRATOR: She didn’t, but Kitty DuBois had never liked Lucille Bluth, and enjoyed taking things from her, which is the main reason she’d slept with George Senior.

LUCILLE: Stay away from my Buster, you hussy!

BUSTER: Mother! That’s no way to talk to the president. I’m so sorry, Madam President, sir.

LUCILLE: The president? Of what, Sluts Anonymous?

NARRATOR: Buster, of course, had mistaken Kitty DuBois for President Laura Roslin, the character played by Kitty’s look-alike.

KITTY 2: Well, actually, I am very highly placed in a special organization, Buster.

NARRATOR: Kitty was a charter member of a group that sought to increase society’s approval of intergenerational relationships between older women and younger men.

BUSTER: You mean like the Colonial Fleet?

KITTY 2: The what?

LUCILLE: He was in the Army, and then a seal bit off his hand. He’s not really all there.

[Buster waves around his mutilated arm, and Kitty 2 makes a face.]

KITTY 2: Oh, I’m so sorry. [turns to Lucille and gives her a hug] You have other sons, right?

NARRATOR: Kitty had come to town in hopes of enlisting Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher in her project as well as paying the Bluth family a visit, as she had heard about their recent Don’t Buy success on her way to California.

LUCILLE: You keep your slutty paws off my sons.

KITTY 2: Of course. I was just going up to visit George Senior, anyway.

NARRATOR: And that’s when Lucille decided to take Kitty 2 with them to the Pasadena Sci-Fi Con.

LUCILLE: Get in the car. Buster, you’re in the back seat now.

BUSTER: But MOTHER, I get sick if I’m in the backseat.

LUCILLE: I know. Make sure you aim Kitty-ward.

[White Out]

[White In]

NARRATOR: Because of his experience starring as George Senior in “Scandal Makers,” Tobias had been able to finagle his way to sharing an autograph table with well-known Canadian extras at the Pasadena Sci-Fi Con. He was hoping to bond with his fellow actors in order to get work.

[Extras look at Tobias with disgust.]

TOBIAS: Vancouver, eh? And you say that the craft services are worth taking the big one in the end, leaving Hollywood for Canadian pastures?

CANADIAN EXTRA 1: Don’t say eh. It’s offensive.

TOBIAS: And I could be bringing in tubs of Canadian bacon. Emigration is long an alternative I have considered, because of my minority status.

CANADIAN EXTRA 2: The cut-offs?

TOBIAS: I am a never-nude! There are dozens of us!

NARRATOR: While Tobias tried, and failed, to bond with Canadians, Lindsay and GOB, who had wanted to go to the convention in the first place, were outside, waiting in line.

GOB: I can’t believe that your husband stole our tickets. There were four of them, Lindsay! Four!

LINDSAY: Hey, you don’t know it was Tobias. It could have been Michael. Or Buster. God knows this is his scene.

[Cut to: costumed nerds]

LINDSAY: [shudders] It’s like Motherboy grew up and got weirder.

GOB: Hey, is that Mom and Buster?

LINDSAY: Hey, is that Mary McDonnell with them? Oh my God. They’re totally cutting. I want a Mary McDonnell to cut in line with!

NARRATOR: Lucille, who had never been to a science fiction convention, had no idea she was supposed to wait in line to go in, and so had immediately walked to the front of the line.

[Cut to: Lucille, Kitty 2, and Buster, at the door. A rent-a-cop in his early twenties is holding the door.]

LUCILLE: We’re with the…

GUARD: Right this way, ma’am.

KITTY 2: That’s so nice of you! Thank you so much.

GUARD: I’m a big fan of your work.

KITTY 2: You know my work? Wow. You and I should have a long talk after the convention. Here, let me give you my phone number.

GUARD: Your phone number? [the guard faints]

LUCILLE: Ugh. What is wrong with these people?

KITTY 2: You’re just jealous.

LUCILLE: Yes, I’m jealous of a woman who has to spend her time hitting on twentysomethings because she could never keep a man of her own.

BUSTER: Mother! Manners!

LUCILLE: I don’t waste manners on [bleep]-chasing whores.

KITTY 2: All right. Lucille, I think Buster and I are very tired of listening to your foul language and poor attitude. We’re leaving to enjoy the convention together. Come on, Buster.

BUSTER: You want to go on a date with me?

KITTY 2: [grimaces and then fake-smiles] Well, as long as we’re both away from your mother, we can call it whatever we want.

[Kitty drags Buster off. Lucille stares after them, hands on hips.]

LUCILLE: Yes, fine! Go off with Kitty the whore, Buster. You’re killing me, you know that! And if you have sex with her, she’ll give you a disease!

NARRATOR: While Lucille was busy abusing Kitty DuBois, Michael and Maeby had just finished watching the Battlestar Galactica panel.

MAEBY: Why didn’t anyone TELL me this woman existed? She’s perfect! I need her!

MICHAEL: She was really good in Dances With Wolves. And…other things. Independence Day.

NARRATOR: The Battlestar Galactica panel had gone poorly, mostly because the entire cast except for Jamie Bamber and Mary McDonnell had gotten stuck in traffic, thanks to an accident caused by Buster’s vomit.

JAMIE BAMBER: They all ditched us to go drink in West Hollywood, didn’t they?

MARY MCDONNELL: After the two-hour traffic snarl and the complete miss of the panel? Yes, they went drinking in West Hollywood.

[CUT TO: Katee Sackhoff, Grace Park, Tricia Helfer, and James Callis drinking and having a good time in a limo.]

KATEE SACKHOFF: [leaning out of limo] Whooo! Missing Pasadena Sci-Fi Con!

TRICIA HELFER: [offscreen] Let’s order coke and strippers!

JAMES CALLIS: Best con missing ever!

[Cut back to Bamber and McDonnell, who look very depressed as they gaze out over the applauding crowd]

JAMIE BAMBER: Con missing parties are the best.

MARY MCDONNELL: Actually, I always preferred Oscar after-parties with ex-Costner costars. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Susan Sarandon call Costner a son of a bitch. And she makes the best seven-layer dip!

JAMIE BAMBER: [stares in awe, then looking into the audience] Hey, is that Jason Bateman? Why don’t we invite him to hang out with us until that awful fundraiser is done?

MARY MCDONNELL: He didn’t become an evangelical Christian like the rest of his generation, did he? Because I’m not hanging out with fundies. Not after the thing with Kirk Cameron.

NARRATOR: And so, while Michael and Maeby found themselves in the green room with other actors at the Pasadena Sci-Fi Con…

[Maeby and Michael look around in horror]

MAEBY: Wow, Dad really wasn’t wrong about the C-list Canadians.

NARRATOR: Kitty DuBois had quickly discovered that hanging around with Buster, even to spite Lucille, was not really her scene.

[Kitty 2 has Buster attached to her and looks pained. Random fanboys and fangirls keep rushing her.]

KITTY 2: I thought your family was supposed to be here. All that we’ve got here is a bunch of basement virgins that even I won’t recruit for my organization.

FANBOY: Oh my god, President Roslin! Are you a Cylon?

BUSTER: Back off! The president needs space!

KITTY 2: I’m not the president yet, and I’m not a Cylon. Though I make a great apple crumble.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Oh my gosh! Buster, are you hanging out with…

BUSTER: Yeah, I’m ‘hanging out’ with her. Hey, nephew.

KITTY 2: Nephew?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hi, I’m George Michael Bluth.

NARRATOR: George Michael had missed the Battlestar Galactica panel thanks to his cousin sending him to find frozen bananas.

KITTY 2: I knew it, I knew that hateful bitch was hiding the good genetic material from me.

GEORGE MICHAEL: I think you anchor the show with your performance. I really respect that.

KITTY 2: Aren’t you well-spoken? What else do you like about me, George Michael?

NARRATOR: As George Michael found himself cornered by a woman who he was rapidly realizing was NOT Mary McDonnell…

[Shot of Kitty 2 with one arm around George Michael and one gingerly patting Buster on the shoulder as people take pictures.]

FANBOY: Whoo! I love you! Best MILF ever!

NARRATOR: Lucille had pushed her way into the backstage area at the Pasadena Sci-Fi Con.

LUCILLE: Who do I have to kill around here to get a drink from someone who isn’t even weirder than GOB? Michael? Michael!

MICHAEL: Mom? What are you doing here?

LUCILLE: Buster needed a ride, and I needed to get away from your father. Are you here voluntarily?

MICHAEL: I came with my son.

LUCILLE: I never want to hear you complain about Motherboy again. Where is George Michael, anyway?

MICHAEL: I don’t know. He went to get Maeby a banana. Where’s Buster?

LUCILLE: Oh, him. Buster has decided he’s too good for me yet again. He’s gone off with Kitty the whore…

MICHAEL: [jumps] Kitty’s here?

LUCILLE: Not that Kitty. The other Kitty, who is also a whore. See, over there, the one with her arm around the young man because she’s a shameless WHORE!

[Michael winces. Mary McDonnell and Jamie Bamber turn around, slightly confused.]

MARY MCDONNELL: Did the drunk with Jason Bateman just call me a whore?

MICHAEL: Mom, that’s not Kitty. That’s Mary McDonnell. You know, the one from Dances With Wolves? … Mumford? … Independence Day?

LUCILLE: Well, she should stick to men her own age if she doesn’t want to be mistaken for a shameless whore!

MICHAEL: I’m sorry, you said Buster is with Kitty?

LUCILLE: Not that whore Kitty Sanchez, Michael. Kitty DuBois. The original whore. Are you sure that’s not her?

[GOB runs in, clearly having just outrun a security guard.]

MICHAEL: GOB? What are you doing here?

GOB: I think the question is, what is she doing here? [points at McDonnell] I was just out on the con floor, doing an illusion…

[Shot of GOB doing a failed illusion and running away from the rent-a-cops]

GOB: And that lady over there was giving every man with a pulse the eye. Even me. And now I see she’s found herself hot young arm candy. That’s sickening. Women that age should not be having sex with virile young men.

NARRATOR: Let’s keep in mind that GOB had once had an affair with Lucille 2, a woman twenty years older than Mary McDonnell.

LUCILLE: That’s what I was just telling Michael. That woman is a whore and not to be trusted. She’ll be after you next.

GOB: Already tried, mom. I told her I don’t go for old chicks.

[Montage of GOB with Lucille 2, including weeping as she throws him out.]

NARRATOR: She hadn’t, and he was lying.

MICHAEL: You hit on her, didn’t you?

GOB: She was so hot! I wanted to have her tie me up and then call her Mommy.

LUCILLE: Well, it’s good to know that my sons are so loyal to me that they would use my name while engaging in sex with a slut like Kitty.

GOB: [turning around in fear] [Bleep], Kitty’s here? Where?

MICHAEL: Not that Kitty. The one who looks like her. [points at Mary McDonnell, who smiles and waves at Michael uneasily.]

GOB: That’s not her? [pause] I’ve made a huge mistake.

[Enter the Hot Cops, dressed like spacemen in silvery jumpsuits similar to Buster’s.]

JAMIE BAMBER: Did Jason Bateman just send us strippers? I knew that those damn Hornblower movies gave the wrong impression of me!

MARY MCDONNELL: My husband was right. Never do sci-fi cons. They just try to give you fan scripts where you’re dating Scott Baio for no reason and send you strippers.

HOT COP #1: Oh my God, you were Donnie Darko’s hot mom!

HOT COP #2: Screw that, it’s Jamie Bamber from Horatio Hornblower! Jamie! Jamie! Sign my ass!

JAMIE BAMBER: Oh, Lord. Not the Hot Cops. Excuse me…I have to hide.

[White Out. End Act Two.]

[White In]

NARRATOR: As Jamie Bamber was fleeing from the Hot Cops…

[Shot of Bamber fleeing from Hot Cops]

NARRATOR: Michael was finding out how GOB knew about Kitty 2. Who looks suspiciously like Mary McDonnell, who had invited Michael and Maeby to come backstage because she thought Michael was a television star of the 1980s.

MICHAEL: You got Kitty the Hot Cops?

GOB: Well, I had to do something! She had one arm around your son and one around Buster. How else was she going to notice me?

MICHAEL: Wait, she’s out with George Michael? He’s sixteen. You didn’t try to save him?

GOB: He’s old enough to become a man, Michael. What do you want me to tell you?

MICHAEL: I want you to call the Hot Cops off Mary McDonnell. Then I want you to apologize to her for everything the family’s done to her today and that we are willing to take her and her co-star out for dinner to make up for this. I’d do it myself, but I have to go save my son from a crazy woman who looks just like her.

GOB: Can Steve Holt come? He is family.

NARRATOR: In fact, GOB had already invited Steve Holt and was just trying to cover before he arrived.

MICHAEL: As long as you don’t call her a whore, you can invite anyone you want, buddy.

NARRATOR: Michael went off to save his son from Kitty DuBois, and GOB apologized to Mary McDonnell.

[Shot of GOB and Mary McDonnell sharing a plate of munchies. McDonnell looks bemused.]

GOB: Ha! No, he’s my brother. Funny story, though. I thought you were someone else, too. A woman named Kitty. You’re not Kitty, are you?

MARY MCDONNELL: No. So that’s the whore everyone’s talking about, then?

GOB: Yeah. [sadly] She wouldn’t even hit on me. I think she knows my mom doesn’t like me.

MARY MCDONNELL: Oh, I’m sure that’s not it.

NARRATOR: But it was.

[Cut to Kitty DuBois, who is dragging George Michael and Buster toward an exit.]

KITTY 2: The joke’s on Lucille, because she doesn’t realize I know how little she cares for GOB.

[Jamie Bamber turns the corner and runs smack-dab into the trio. He looks surprised.]

BUSTER: Captain Apollo! Oh my God, Captain Apollo, save us from your president. I think she might be crazy.

JAMIE BAMBER: Mary?

KITTY 2: Yes?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Really? But you said…

KITTY 2: Do you really want Buster coming along for the rest of our party, young man? I told you we were looking for someone better, and if he wants to call me Mary…

JAMIE BAMBER: Oh. You must be Kitty. Someone got strippers for you.

KITTY 2: Well, that’s considerate —

[Kitty lets go of Buster, who runs away screaming, and grabs Bamber.]

KITTY 2: But I think I’ve found my young men for the evening.

[Jamie Bamber stares at Kitty 2, and then at George Michael, who shrugs and looks after the fleeing Buster with longing.]

JAMIE BAMBER: First of all, I’m married. Second of all, this kid’s got to be like twelve, and despite what you’ve heard, I’m just not up for a threesome. Third — well, there’s not even a third, this is just evil. And really, come on. Eddie didn’t put you up to this?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Hey, I’m not twelve. I’m sixteen.

JAMIE BAMBER: They still spell it statutory, either way.

KITTY 2: You’re sixteen? You’ve got to be kidding me. The man-boy mutant is thirty. I figured you had to be at least thirty-five. Why didn’t you tell me you were sixteen?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Because you didn’t ask?

KITTY 2: That’s no excuse. You’ve set back the May-December cause at least a decade. Thanks, kid.

[Kitty lets go of George Michael, but not Jamie Bamber, who is increasingly alarmed.]

NARRATOR: It was at that moment that Michael found his son with Jamie Bamber and Kitty, who he mistook for Mary McDonnell.

MICHAEL: Hey there, George Michael. Are you asking for an autograph? I think we’ve traumatized these people enough today. And I think we need to talk about a little thing called appropriate relationships, son.

NARRATOR: George Michael, suddenly sure that Michael had found out about his infatuation with his cousin Maeby, panicked.

GEORGE MICHAEL: Nothing happened! It was just a few kisses! She totally wasn’t into it! And…how can it be wrong when it feels so right?

KITTY 2: [perking up] I have to agree with your son, Michael. A young man’s sexual maturity is a sensitive thing, and who are we to say whether it’s right or wrong?

MICHAEL: Excuse me, but you do realize my son spent the whole day on a date with a woman forty years older than him, right? That’s…that’s just not right.

KITTY 2: Why not, if everyone’s legal?

MICHAEL: Oh, wait. You must be Kitty.

KITTY: [smiles] Only if you want me to be.

MICHAEL: George Michael, why don’t you go find Gangy?

GEORGE MICHAEL: Bye, Dad.

[George Michael runs. Michael stares at Kitty 2.]

MICHAEL: Are you sure she’s not Mary? That’s really an uncanny resemblance.

JAMIE BAMBER: I’m pretty sure. Mary’s not, for example, a whore. And she would let go of me.

KITTY 2: Hey, I’m an activist. That’s different from a whore. Whores get paid. Besides, I’m protecting you from the Hot Cops.

JAMIE BAMBER: You know what? I’ll take my chances.

NARRATOR: He might have changed his mind if he had known Tobias was lying in wait for him at the impromptu party the Bluths were now throwing for the two actors.

[Cut to Tobias hanging out with Jamie Bamber, who looks around the room desperately.]

TOBIAS: This is fabulous! I know you from Horatio Hornblower, so I hope you don’t mind if I blow my horn for you.

JAMIE BAMBER: Aren’t you the guy from Insomniac?

TOBIAS: Dave Attell? [awkward laughter] I don’t understand how you could make that mistake.

[Return to Kitty and Michael.]

MICHAEL: I’ve finally met someone more evil than my mother. Congratulations, you might actually be Satan.

KITTY 2: Well, it was a high standard to live up to. Of course, considering what the woman did to your brother, I think I’m still a few years behind, but we could fix that.

MICHAEL: Are you trying to seduce me? Because you just might as well go find my father.

KITTY 2: Fine. Whatever. This entire day has been a bust. I don’t know why I agreed to go to a sci-fi convention anyway. Not a normal person in the building.

MICHAEL: I completely agree with you.

KITTY 2: And I don’t know who this Mary person is, but I hope her day is going as badly as mine has!

NARRATOR: It was.

[Cut to Mary McDonnell, being chatted up by Maeby, who has a glass of champagne in her hand and a script in the other.]

MAEBY: You’re fabulous, you’re amazing, I loved you in Steel Magnolias.

MARY MCDONNELL: I wasn’t in Steel Magnolias.

MAEBY: Oh, you! So modest! Anyway, I think it’s fabulous that you’re down here, promoting this little show, but I think my company can make you a better offer.

MARY MCDONNELL: I have a five-year contract with Battlestar Galactica. We’re in the middle of a season, and there’s serious buzz about an Emmy campaign for my character.

MAEBY: Yeah, but haven’t you ever wanted more? For example, the starring role in your own Fox show? I’ve got a script that screams Mary McConnell…

MARY MCDONNELL: Are you old enough to be drinking champagne, sweetheart? Also, do you have any idea who I am?

MAEBY: Of course. I like you! You are a classy, classy lady.

MARY MCDONNELL: No, really. You look like you’re about fifteen. Does your mother know you’re here?

NARRATOR: As Maeby looked for a way to escape from her conversation with Mary McDonnell, who had just recognized that Maeby was only fifteen, George Michael and Buster arrived at the party and were horrified to see the woman they thought they had just escaped.

BUSTER: Oh my God, she can split herself in two! She’s a CYLON!

GEORGE MICHAEL: Don’t they look like chrome robots?

BUSTER: That was the old version. The new ones look like us. It all makes sense now. The rapid personality changes, the hot young men, the evil — LAURA ROSLIN IS A CYLON!

NARRATOR: As that was, in fact, one of the upcoming twists in the seasonal arc, along with the romance between Laura Roslin and Captain Apollo, Mary McDonnell was not pleased to hear it shouted at the top of Buster’s lungs.

MARY MCDONNELL: [rushing over] Why don’t you keep that secret to yourself, young man?

BUSTER: Mother was right! You’re a bad, young-man-hungry whore!

MARY MCDONNELL: I beg your pardon?

BUSTER: You heard me. whore. I don’t care if you cloak yourself in your vile Cylon powers, you, madam, are…

NARRATOR: And that was when Kitty arrived. Kitty Sanchez, not Kitty DuBois.

KITTY SANCHEZ: Jamie Bamber! Jamie Bamber, you tease! You broke my heart!

[Lindsay races in behind Kitty, as Jamie Bamber extricates himself from the discussion with Tobias.]

JAMIE BAMBER: Kitty?

LINDSAY: Tobias?

TOBIAS: Kitty! Salutations! I see you know the attractive and muscular Jamie Bamber, you saucy minxes!

JAMIE BAMBER: Uh, I’ve never seen this woman before in my life.

KITTY: Well, maybe THESE will remind you.

[Kitty pulls up her top. Tobias and Bamber wince. Lucille snorts.]

NARRATOR: And Lindsay, thinking Kitty was trying to seduce her husband, decided to get a little of her own back.

[Lindsay knocks Kitty out, and Kitty lands face first into punch.]

LINDSAY: Take that, you [bleep].

JAMIE BAMBER: Thank you, Miss…

LINDSAY: Lindsay. Lindsay Bluth. Hey, do I know you from somewhere?

[As Jamie Bamber and Lindsay Bluth start to flirt, Mary McDonnell and Buster walk over to the punch bowl to look at the now-unconscious Kitty. Mary McDonnell finally looks a little pissed off.]

MARY MCDONNELL: THAT is Kitty? The one who looks just like me? Are you [bleep] kidding me? Are you all blind? Or just insane?

LUCILLE: Maybe we’re drunk. [laughs]

BUSTER: Mother, don’t get near her. She’s a Cylon!

LUCILLE: Well, why don’t you try to [bleep] her? I saw you giving her the eye. Next you’ll be running back to Lucille 2. Or the Roomba.

BUSTER: She wouldn’t want me. No one does. What woman could want a man with a hideous mechanical hand?

MARY MCDONNELL: You lost your hand? That’s awful! What happened?

BUSTER: A seal ate it when I was swimming in the ocean.

MARY MCDONNELL: I’m so sorry. Why don’t you sit down and tell me about it? It must be so difficult, surviving in your family with that kind of disability.

NARRATOR: As Buster went off with Mary McDonnell (the real one), Lucille realized that she had done some serious damage to her son. She also realized that if she didn’t do something, she’d be going home alone.

LUCILLE: Buster, tell your date that we’re leaving in twenty minutes, unless she wants to give you a ride home. And don’t let her give you a second juice box, because I’m not cleaning up after you.

[She gets herself a glass of punch, ignoring the unconscious Kitty Sanchez. She smiles as she drinks it.]

LUCILLE: That’ll show that whore not to mess with my Buster.

[White Out]

[White In]

NARRATOR: On the next “Arrested Development…”

[Cut to Lucille discovering George Senior handcuffed to the bed, covered in kisses and wearing only his boxers.]

NARRATOR: Lucille finds out George Senior had sex with Kitty One…

LUCILLE: Oh, [bleep] it, you can stay like that.

[Cut to: Canadian border. Tobias is being thrown across by burly Mounties.]

NARRATOR: Tobias discovers it’s harder to become a successful Canadian extra than he thought…

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: That’s for undermining our local economy!

MOUNTIE 2: Go back to Vancouver South, you Yankee freeloader!

NARRATOR: And Kitty 2 finally finds a Bluth man who can meet her needs.

[A mussed Kitty emerges from a janitorial supply closet, smiling and buttoning up her jacket. Someone groans inside the closet, but Kitty 2 closes the door on him.]

KITTY 2: Steve Holt.

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One response to “I Am Not Jason Bateman [Arrested Development, RPF]

  1. MARY MCDONNELL: Actually, I always preferred Oscar after-parties with ex-Costner costars. You haven’t lived until you’ve heard Susan Sarandon call Costner a son of a bitch. And she makes the best seven-layer dip!

    OMG! This line totally put me into a “Now someone’s totally got to slash Mary McD and Susan S!!” mindset. And it’d be totally okay without any sexxxinz. LOL!

    Great overall story. The fans. the con atmosphere. the missing the panel party.

    Thank you jennyo!

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