Before I Forget Blue
rating: Strong R
summary: Never invest all your love in one person.
disclaimer: CC and crew own ’em.
I’m in the barewhite room again, Scully, and you’re not here you’re gone they
took you and they won’t bring you back because I can’t get you for they’ve
locked me up in the room with no colors, just the white white walls and the
nasty fluorescent light and antiseptic hospital smell and I’m all alone with
Help me, Scully. I’m lost.
They give me pills and they force me to swallow them down the hatch Mr.
Mulder. I know they’re only speeding up my insanity so that any impartial
witness, if there’s even such a thing, will be frightened by my drugged and
aggravated appearance. I don’t have any hope of escape– except you– or
perhaps, by discontinuing the pills. But I can’t figure out a way to do it
and I don’t have enough time.
Really, this room is enough to make anyone go crazy. It’s so white and so bare
and empty. I can’t even get a crayon to write with. Did you know boredom
catalyzes madness, Scully? It does. Even without the pills, I feel myself
slipping. If it weren’t for you, my need to save you from them, I’d be
completely mad now.
Oh, God, how I depend on you even when you’re not here, Scully. I’d write
poetry on the walls about you if they’d let me, but they won’t. They won’t
let me do anything for myself anymore because I might “hurt myself.” You
should see the little thing they send in for me. This nurse, she’s a pretty
little blonde thing about twenty-five, and she’s scared shitless. They
probably force her here. She shaves me and feeds me. I try to talk to her but
she won’t talk to me, why won’t she, Scully? I’m alone and I’m scared in the
barewhite room. And you’re gone. They took you.
I can only count weeks with therapy sessions. Every Saturday two orderlies,
big mean fucking ugly bastards; they drag me to the only place left with
color I ever see any more. And that is Dr. Werber’s office. Oh he knows all
about me and you and you and me. He must be psychic. No. They were
surveilling us. They watched us. How dare they? Oh, if you were here, Scully,
you’d be so angry but you’re gone. They took you away again and it hurts so
bad, Scully. Scully, I’d do anything if they’d only have taken me not you.
Werber asks all the same questions again and again. He’s looking for a method
to my madness. I keep telling him over and over that it’s the pills,
exacerbated by the cruel isolationist methods of this institution. We never
speak of the barewhite room but he knows that’s where they hold me, caged
like a tiger. I swear I saw him looking in my cell during a dream. All my
visitors come during the dreams. I saw Skinner and your mom and my mom
looking in the cell one night. Your mom was screaming at me, right at me, you
killed my baby girl, Fox, Fox you killed my baby girl! If it had been real,
not a dream, I would have told her the truth. They took you because of me,
and it’s eating me alive, but you’re not dead, Scully. I believe that with
all that can believe in me. With all my soul, I know you’re alive and that
somewhere, somehow, I will find you.
Oh, this room! I’m so tired of this barewhite room without windows or doors.
I haven’t seen blue in forever, Scully. I’m forgetting blue, except the blue
of your eyes. They were blue like the bluest sea, truer and more beautiful
than the sky. I miss blue. I miss your eyes, how they stared and glared at
Scully, I’m so afraid. I might go crazy. Some nights, I scream because I can’t
go anywhere. I can’t think any more. They finally have me trapped in their
world, in the dark slimy belly of their serpent world. They’ve convinced the
world that black is white and stop is go and I’d stop them, and you too, but
they’ve disappeared us and we’re gone. So gone. So long.
Matters are getting desperate. The next Saturday, I must try to escape. I may
have to kill Werber. I don’t want to, but I can’t stay here any longer. Not
if I want to maintain any hope of sanity. Scully, please be with me. I can’t
do it without you.
The big men drag me down the hall to where Werber waits on Saturdays and he
starts again with the questions. Where’s Agent Scully? I don’t know, Dr.
Werber. You people took her. He stares me deep in the eyes. Fox. Where’s her
body? I don’t know. Why is he asking me these questions? You disappeared I
don’t know where or when. Then a big terrifying thought hits me. They’re
talking about your impostor. The phony you. They’re trying to trick me!
See, when they made you disappear, Scully, they left another you in your
place. Because you would never come to my apartment like she did that awful
rainy night. She kissed me full on the lips, came on to me like you had
before, but never with so much ardor. We’ve kissed and made love before, of
course, but not like that night. She was just like a succubus. She took a
little coaxing though, she wanted to talk, but I kissed her and kissed her
and then she attacked me with that body of hers! Oh! God! I thought it was
you, Scully, and it took my breath away. I’ve never loved you so much.
I start telling this to Werber in a big rushing downpour of words and he
starts scribbling on a pad and pushing a little button. I see him. I know
what he’s doing. But I’m laughing, Scully, because Werber doesn’t know I’m
getting out of here. He can’t hold me. Not even this straitjacket can hold
me, because I love you. Love conquers everything and I love you so very much.
She said those very words. The impostor you. She said I love you Mulder in
your very voice and my heart was just boiling over with love. I had thoughts
like love you… die for you… then she fucked up fatally, Scully. She said
that she was leaving. For real. I can’t do this any more, Fox. Scully, see,
she wasn’t even a good you! She called me FOX! You’d never ever call me Fox.
And then she was gonna walk right out that door and never come back, without
one more word.
I’m nobody’s fool. She got a big surprise when I shot her in the back. I
watched her fall to the floor and stood over her while she gasped like a fish
and cried big alligator tears and bled the reddest blood. Red blood almost as
red as your hair– of course nothing can be such a true red– and made this
bubbling, gurgling sounds when I demanded to know where you were. I couldn’t
stand it when she didn’t tell me, she just lied. I did to her what I should
have done to that smoking bastard and Alex Krycek. I shot her again, right in
the leg. She screamed then, and oh they did a good job with the little bitch.
It was your scream, Scully!
I asked her again where you were and she just cried and moaned and screamed
and I finally lost all my control. I bent down to her little body– oh, so
very much like you– and I just put my hands around her delicate white
throat, and I– oh, God, Scully, it was awful. She looked just like you! But
when she finally stopped moving and lay there, I looked real close and she
wasn’t. Not you. A fake. An imitation.
Werber is screaming fairy-tale nonsense words at me, where is her body,
Mulder? Mulder, there was no fake Scully, you killed your partner, you’ve
lost your mind, but I’m sure he’s lying. You would have told me that it was
you. I would have known. You would never leave me, would you, Scully? Not by
your own choice. I tell Werber as much. He shrieks.
You! Killed! Her! She decided to leave you and you snapped! You killed her
and you’ve dumped the body! Where is it, Fox? It’s so silly, Scully, isn’t
it? He acts as though he believes himself. I laugh because I know it’s time.
No more questions, no more barewhite room. I’m going to find you. I jump
across the desk and knock Werber into the observation mirror. Lots more force
than he thought, ha.
The mirror cracked from side to side. I scream and laugh. Your mother is
there. In the other room. Skinner, Spender, Mom, doctors. All watching me. I
run for the door and freedom, but the big men are there. They have me on the
floor, and Skinner hollers you crazy son of a bitch you killed her there
wasn’t any impostor, you killed her and dumped the body! Where?
Scully, I need your help. Please tell them you’re not dead, and that she was
an impostor. You know you’re everything to me, that I’d never hurt you. I
didn’t do anything to you. I never would. It was an impostor, a fake Scully I
gave away to the deep blue sea, down with the fishes, an unfair peace for the
liar. Tell them. I don’t like it when your mom cries.
I need you! They came and they took you and you’re gone and I’m alone. The big
men are taking me back to the barewhite room and if I go back there, I’ll go
crazy! Help me! I can’t go back! Make them stop! Scully!
Scully! But you can’t answer; they’ve got you locked up away in their testing
rooms and me locked up in their crazy house. Please, please, please, I can’t
do it this time. You have to rescue me, away from all the white walls and
angry voices. Scully, please, before I forget the color blue…