Going Home Again [X-Files]

Going Home Again
by Jennifer-Oksana
Fandom: X-Files
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Redux II
Summary: A letter that can’t be sent.
Disclaimer: 1013, CC, and FOX own X-Files. No infringement intended.

To Whom It May–

To My–

Dear Mr. Mulder–

Dear Fox.

Dear Fox this letter will never be sent but I’ll write it anyway,
because maybe one day you’ll understand. He said I had to see you and
talk to you, that there were Very Important Reasons today would be the
day.

You look so young to be so very unhappy. Not so very long after our
meeting, I used His Connections to find out more about you, now that
you’re real again. I found out about your partner woman, and that she
was very very sick and dying, and that you’d been together so long. Fox
I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. How terrible to lose so many things so
quickly. Of course, she didn’t die, and I wasn’t yours. But Fox– He
kept His word. He always does.

You have to understand I couldn’t help but to grow up to forget. I’m
not brave. I just want to be happy and I can’t remember and be happy at
the same time. I know you know that.

But because I saw you again, this time is different. Forgive and Forget
is what He says. He means Forget and Forget, but I love Him so that I
won’t call him on it. You’re Real again. Real. In my world, it’s a joke
of mine. There are a lot of things that are only Make-Believe.

Make-Believe.

Make-Believe your name is Samantha and you’re an orphan from an
enchanted kingdom. That you’re a princess hidden away because it wasn’t
safe. That you’ll reclaim Your Proper Position someday. Do you
understand a little better now?

Make-Believe you have Those Terrible Nightmares at night with the light
and the men and the screaming and arguing. I had those nightmares as a
little girl before He taught me that to get rid of Those Terrible
Nightmares, you must Forgive and Forget. I was so glad when they
stopped coming, because they made me cry and cry and didn’t help me at
all. Not one teeny itty-bitty bit.

I have three children, you didn’t know that. They don’t have Those
Terrible Nightmares. I made sure they wouldn’t. They don’t know I have
them. Do you want to know what I named them? The oldest is Peter
Junior, like his father. The next is my only daughter, Ashley Jean, and
then there’s the youngest, Randolph Fox. We call him Randy, and I
pretended that he was like you come back to life.

Randy, Ashley, and Peter Junior live in a Safe Today World, and He promised
me they’d always be safe. I love Him, Fox, he’s the only one I know
who’s kept all his promises to me.

I have a secret. After you left and I told you I didn’t want to see you
again, I was telling a fib. I wanted to see you and Mom, too, but I was
so afraid of Dangerous Complications and Those Terrible Nightmares I
bit my tongue and told a million lies. But I wanted to see you so
terribly and so I looked you up on the computer. My husband works in
the industry, he taught me how. It was very easy, because you’re an FBI
agent.

I started to watch you. You live in Alexandria or maybe it’s Arlington,
anyway. Virginia, very close to your Very Important Job. You’re just
like Him; it’s always your Very Important Job. I think that’s why I
still like you, Fox. You’re so much like Him it’s scary. You’re always
working and you don’t like to let your love show.

I like that I’m the one you love, but that’s not as true as it was,
isn’t that so? Because you ignored your Very Important Job right after
I saw you because of your partner. I sneaked in and saw her while she
was sleeping, right after the doctors said she wasn’t going to die.
Because she was your– well, I don’t know. I would have asked Him about
her, but He’s disappeared. Do you know where He’s gone? I’m afraid He’s
hurt or sick. I worry He’ll get cancer. Like your partner.

Your partner is very beautiful. I’m not very smart, Fox, not like you
or Him or your partner. But I know some things about you. You ought to
love her. Life doesn’t last very long, and if you let your Very
Important Job be the most important, you WILL be exactly like Him, and
you said that you HATED Him. So I thought, as a good sister, I should
tell you that you’re like Him. I think He loved Our Mother. I know you
love her. I know because I watched you after she left the hospital and
you hovered. You’re very like Him, because He likes to treat women like
Ladies. I think it’s very gentlemanly of you.

By the way, if you’re scared about anything else, she loves you back.

I’m afraid of what you mean in my life, coming back like this! I live
in Norfolk, you understand, and it’s a long drive to Washington. But I
want to see you. I want to talk to you and ask Too Many Questions. All
my life, I’ve asked Too Many Questions. No one ever gives me answers. I
think you would.

No. No no no no. I know you would and then you would ask ME Too Many
Questions. I’m not smart! I’m not very brave, either. I am simply a
homemaker in Norfolk who has Terrible Nightmares and is obsessed with
an FBI agent who may be her long-lost brother. Maybe I need to see a
psychologist.

I can just see that– Doctor, my name is Samantha. When I was eight
years old, something very strange happened to me. I fell asleep in one
house and woke up in another. No one will tell me what happened, and I
thought maybe I Imagined the Whole Thing, but then He came– He’s my
father, or at least He says so– and said that we were going to meet my
brother. And my brother is thirty-five years old and he’s been looking
for me since I was eight and he was twelve. And he’s lived in a world of
shadows and conspiracies and he’s probably crazy. Now, this is all
his problem, except now I’m obsessed with him. And my Father has
disappeared. And–

I have to stop writing this. If the kids or my husband saw it, Fox,
they’d be very upset about it. I’m very upset about it. But I want to
tell you, One Day, I’ll be brave enough to come and talk to you. I
couldn’t think of a lot to say that First Time, and I was so afraid of
you and Those Terrible Nightmares. I had to try very hard to Forgive
and Forget so that I could get the kids off to school on time. But I
can’t Forgive or Forget any more.

I can’t even Make-Believe any more. I can’t think I’m Princess Samantha
of Camelot anymore. I think that I’m Samantha Abducted. Samantha
Abducted by unfaithful retainers, Samantha Abducted because of Very
Important Jobs and His Connections.

Fox, you’ve forced me to wake up from a sleep that’s lasted twenty-five
years. You’re not the Prince Charming who was supposed to arrive. You
didn’t arrive with Love’s First Kiss or anything. You arrived, sad and
alone, crying because He thought that seeing me would bring you back to
life.

I’m Real again because of you. Before I was only Make-Believe. Before I
lived in a gingerbread house with the miller and the children. Fox!

Fox!

I didn’t want to be Real! I didn’t ever want My Proper Position! Fox!
You woke me up and I’m awake in a world that I don’t even know. Why did
you do this to me? Why did He do this to me? Why couldn’t you just let
me go and leave me alone?

I can’t go home again. None of us can, even if Dad were alive and we
were all willing. Even if we went back, it would be different. None of
us can recapture what we’ve lost. You need to learn to Forgive and
Forget the Past. Love your partner-woman. Have children, and try to be
happy. I don’t want to think that you’re sad. We can all Make-Believe–

Fox–

Anyway. That’s all. I’m going to try to Forgive and Forget, and maybe
He’ll come back soon, and I can make a New Year’s Resolution to call
you up on the telephone and just say hi how are you I’m fine bye. Merry
Christmas Fox. I love you.

Your Sister,

Samantha.

The End

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