Me, The Dragon, and the Dames [Now It’s Dark AU]

Me, the Dragon, and the Dames
by Jennifer-Oksana
Show: Angel, Buffy, X-Files
Rating: R
Pairing: Drusilla/Spike, Drusilla/Other, Harmony/Spike, Spike/Other
Summary: Spike is chained to a wall, Glory is actually around, and the world is doomed.

+ + +
“When I am king, you will be first against the wall
With your opinion, which is of no consequence at all…”
–Radiohead, “Paranoid Android”
+ + +

All other things being equal, being chained to a wall is not among my favorite things. But when the other choices are a swift stake to the chest or brain surgery performed by the wildest cat in the vampire jungle, having a little time alone with the wall to think about things is right useful.

“Why won’t the little wormy play or dance?” Drusilla wails. God, she sounds like a broken record. “Why am I alone and cold? So cold–”

Darla, who is stretched out over a couch they must have stolen from Goodwill, rolls her eyes and then glares at me.

“You had to go and fall for a Slayer, didn’t you?” she asks. “It wasn’t enough that you two broke up, you had to go all mushy for that cheerleader. And we won’t speak of that one–”

She turns her head and looks at Harmony, who is following the leader of this jamboree around like a lovesick puppy. I don’t know how Harm found us, but now she’s here and it’s a girl power party all over the place, complete with screaming victims.

“Oh my gosh, Dana!” Harmony cries, almost on cue. “That was so cool! How did you keep him alive while you did it?”

I would kill for a taste of blood right now. Harmony keeps trotting by with the remnants of something yummy on her fingers, smirking her empty-headed little ass off. But no one has seen fit to even bring me a cup of leftovers.

“Hey, I didn’t sire her, I just slept with her,” I reply. That doesn’t impress Darla, either.

“Men. Always looking for the next lay,” Darla says. “Do you think the Slayer will come looking for you? It’s such a pain to have to go search her out.”

“Please,” I say smartly. “She’s not that hard to find. It’s not like you’re looking for J.D. Salinger.”

Darla waves me off. “Oh, shut up. I’m watching Passions.”

“Passions?” I ask, perking up. “Tilt it this way. Come on, for old time’s sake. I gotta keep up with this new storyline.”

“Fuck off, Spike,” Darla replies. “And shut up.”

So there you have it. Chained to a wall, blood everywhere without a drop for me, and Passions playing less than ten feet away and I can’t see or hear a minute of it. I can hear Dru getting hysterical again and Harmony squealing like a piggy, but Timmy? Or Sheridan? Of course not.

It’s a hard knock life, you know what I mean?

Dana sweeps into the area, her blue eyes glittering with unrestrained malice. For someone so bite-sized, she definitely has a presence. The world sort of centers around her when she’s in a room. I don’t get why, but that’s not mine to reason why and all.

“How is my favorite bleached blond?” she asks in a sunny voice that effectively masks any hint of evil. “Have you considered the surgery yet?”

“Yeah, I’m still thinking it’s a bad idea– that doesn’t mean no!” I say as she reaches for something in her pocket. “It’s just that if the government blokes that put it in can’t get it out, what’s the guarantee that you can?”

“I was government, number one, and if I can autopsy goat-sucking chupacabra and green slime aliens that kill you upon inhalation, I can sure as hell get one teensy little chip out of your head,” she tells me, looking nothing like a government agent in any way, shape, or form.

“You? Do alien autopsies? Who do you think you are, the famous Agent Scully of the X…aww, fuckin’ A, you didn’t say that you were–”

Dana makes a face that gives me the chills. “Jesus, did every last single one of you crazy fuckers KNOW who I was before I died?”

“You gotta know who’s looking for you, love,” I say with an almost-shrug that’s hampered by the bloody chains. “Can I get a little pint of that blood you’re sampling? I’m peckish!”

Dana sneers. “Sorry, no can do. Blood is for vampires, not for Slayer-whipped eunuchs.”

“Hey, I didn’t ask for this bloody chip in my skull,” I protest. “And I’m not a eunuch.”

“You’re not asking for me to get rid of it either,” she replies. “Sit and spin, Spike. I’m not interested in hearing you complain.”

With that little bit of smugness, Dana spins off into the D-Cave. I start to count the seconds before Harmony squeals in worshipful delight again. I get to thirty-six.

“That’s so–”

I hear strangulation sounds.

“Shut up, Harmony. Or I will crush your larynx. Got it?”

Darla snorts. “Someone’s cranky,” she sing-songs. “Spike, you’ve made Little Sister all angry. She doesn’t like being told no. It makes her go all homicidal maniac.”

“Why the fuck do you let her order you around anyway?” I ask. “You’re the ancient one. She’s just some upstart.”

Darla cackles. “You were afraid of her when she was a mortal. Now she has absolutely nothing to lose. I don’t know, Spike, I’d place her against the Slayer any day. She’s got a purpose. It’s like Angelus was back in the day. It didn’t make any sense to follow him around, but I knew it was the best way to thrive in this world of ignorant, impotent humans.”

“Think she’s got a destiny?”

“We all do,” Darla says. “Now shut up, the show’s back on.”

Dru comes wailing into the room. She’s dressing better these days, which is something, considering that Drusilla has excellent taste. “I see it! I see it in my head and I’m afraid. The world is going to stop its spinning and spinning and oh, my poor darling girl!”

“Dru, what is it?” Darla asks irritably.

“I saw the future,” she moans, gyrating like a cage dancer. “It was drenched in blood and glory, but then it stopped cold. She made it stop. Why? Wasn’t it good enough for her? When she has all the world in her fist, why, why, why?”

Insanity used to be such a turn-on. But I suppose everything gets tired, and the problem with insanity is that it’s hard to decide to change the way you present yourself.

“I thought you were for the end of the world, Dru,” I say meanly. She hisses at me.

“You,” she says. “You’re nothing. You aren’t even the pup who licks the dish. You’re the stray scratching to get in. But nobody wants the silly puppy–”

Behind her, Dana laughs as my vision goes red. I try to leap at Dru, to do something to her, but I practically break my bloody wrists instead.

“He’ll attack vampires, but not humans,” I hear Dana say clinically. “Do we really want him hindering our fun? You said he was Slayer-whipped anyway. He might not get much fun out of tearing her beating heart from her body.”

“Ooh!” Dru cries, clapping. “Can I have it after you’re done?”

“Tied with bright pink ribbon,” Dana says, patting her cheek. Dru grins coquettishly. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Dru wanted a piece of her newest little sister.

“Were you like this when you were human?” I ask. Dana snorts rudely.

“I,” she begins, strutting up to me boldly, “Was a killjoy. My life was to pretend that every shadow was a shadow, that every monster was a psychological manifestation of the collective unconscious and that being in love with the wrong man was a sin.”

“And now?”

She rubs up against me, closing her eyes sensuously and writhing against me.

“Fuck it. Everything I want should be mine.”

“And what do you want? Really?”

“I want you,” she begins in a very seductive whisper. “I want to come back to where you belong.”

Well, now I’m shivering with antici–

Never mind.

“How do you know who belongs where?” I ask defiantly. “You’re the newbie here. You don’t even have as much history with us as Harmony and yet you’re in charge, giving orders, knowing history, this and that. I don’t like tyrants.”

“I’m not a tyrant. Aren’t I asking you to have the chip removed?” Dana snaps. “And I give orders because I’m the one who knows what’s happening–”

The conversation is stopped in mid-squabble by an explosion, followed by a bunch of screaming from Harmony. I figure that the Slayer has finally found us and I hope I’m on her “non-slay” list.

But instead of Buffy, this blonde girl in a tight dress comes flouncing in. Drusilla screams like the world’s coming to an end. However, Darla stays calm and stands up, nodding and smiling comfortably.

“Glorificus,” Darla says. “Nice to see you. I’m Darla.”

“Hi. I need to talk to the Viragello.”

“Who’s that?” Dana asks, breaking away from me. “And who the hell are you?”

“I’m Glory and you’re the Viragello. Nice threads. Are those DKNY?”

“Yeah, but what does that matter?”

“I just like an ally with excellent fashion sense,” the blonde says. “Hi, I’m a god, and you’re my new henchwoman.”

Dana is unimpressed.

“Yeah, that sounds like a great deal,” she says dryly. “Come work for a crazy person as a flunky. Not to mention you got my name wrong. Viragello? That sounds like a venereal disease. Give me some better reasons, Glory.”

Glory gets this look on her face like she’s been told no. In fact, she has been told no. Then she walks over to Drusilla, and sends her flying halfway across the room.

“Reason number one,” Glory says. “I could kill all of your flunkies in less time than it takes to say goodbye.”

I look over at Dana, who looks absolutely impassive. Dru is sobbing like a child and Darla is frozen stiff. But the redhead? Not a reaction.

“Interesting,” she finally says. “But what does brute strength have to do with leadership? And why do you want me as an ally?”

That’s not what I would have asked, but then again, I’m not in the life or death showdown.

“I am older than time,” Glory says. “I’ve been trapped on this world by a cruel, cruel fate. And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of this petty existence full of silly, stupid humans. I want to be free of it all. But I need your help to do it.”

Dana nods, still poker-faced. “You’re tired of the world? Well, so? Everyone is tired of the world.”

“Help me!” Glory orders. “You have to help me or I’ll kill everyone here!”

“Kill them,” Dana says with a shrug. “Unless you give me a good reason to help you, I’m not going to do it.”

“Mean!” Glory shrieks. “Mean, horrible vampire! I am Glorificus! I am She Who Cannot Be Named!”

“You’re not convincing me.”

Glory howls. I mean howls like wolf at the moon howling, and she starts stomping across the room, spoiled-child style. She’s as crazy as Drusilla, but Darla is scared stiff of Glory.

“Dana,” she says. “You really shouldn’t insult her. She is older than time. In fact, she could probably obliterate us in a second.”

“I don’t help people who don’t ask nicely.”

Glory stomps back. “Evil vampire,” she says, pouting. “You don’t know what it’s cost me to beg a foul, diseased creature, a near-human, to help me find the Key and open the way to my home. All I want is to go home! Can’t you help me? I’m begging here. Me. Queen among demons. Me. I’m begging you, a mere vampire, to do this! Please!”

Dana stares at her carefully, walks over, touches the bird’s cheek. Everyone else is dead quiet.

“Home, hmm? What would you do if you went home?”

Glory sniffles. “I’d make everyone who banished me pay. And pay. And pay.”

“That I can get behind,” Dana says thoughtfully. “I’ll help you.”


“What can I say? I’m a sucker for homecomings. And the end of the world, especially when it’s fast and spectacular.”

Glory looks absolutely blank-faced at Dana.

“What?” she asks.

“Come on, Glory. I can read you like an open book,” Dana says. “You want to get home and the world here is going to pay for it. I’m fine with this. Come on. Let’s get going.”

Glory smiles like a jackal and puts her arm around our former leader, who has apparently ditched us to join the crazy girl. “You are the living end.”

“Or the end of living,” Dana says. Dru rushes up to her before she can leave.

“Are you leaving us? What will we do? What about Spike? What’ll happen to us without you?” she wails, clinging like moss. “Don’t go.”

“It’s all right, Dru,” Dana replies. “You’re a survivor. And as for Spike, do what you want. But make it hurt.”

With that, she walks away. Dru floats over to me, a crazy woman’s smile plastered across her face.

“I can do that,” she says. “Oh, yeah.”

I’m fucked. But so is everyone else if I don’t get out and warn Buffy. Of course, I’m in a tight spot. But I’m sure I can get out of it. I just need to sweet talk Dru, Harmony, and Darla.

Oh, fuck. I hope Buffy has some inkling about what’s coming at her.

Oh, fuck…


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