Mary Sue’s ‘On X-Files Day’
Keywords: Mulder/Scully, songs used, general overuse of a Mary Sue, yada yada.
Summary: Everyone’s bestest buddy and her day in the land of 1013.
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully are 1013’s. Mary Sue is public domain.
She has to be. Anyway, no infringement intended.
Mary Sue Smith, guardian of all beloved television characters, stood
before her closet on the horns of a dilemma. She didn’t know what to wear
today to protect her secret identity.
“I can’t just *tell* them I’m Mary Sue Smith,” Mary Sue said. “I need a
clever name and a clever disguise.”
Mary Sue went to her bookshelf. It held twenty classic romance novels,
unauthorized guides to all of her protected characters’ shows, and a baby
name book. The name book was extremely worn in the “Unusual Names”
section. Yesterday, for example, Mary Sue had had to save Captain Kirk
from certain death in the Ignolius Sector, and she’d discovered the name
Oriana Dawn. Oriana Dawn had saved the day, naturally, and Kirk had
been extremely grateful.
Extremely grateful. Mmm, yeah, even if Kirk was a slut and he really only
had eyes for Spock. It was one of the fringe benefits of being Mary Sue
Mary Sue checked her datebook. Today was X-Files day. She had to convince
Mulder and Scully that they were hopelessly, completely, totally, and
irrevocably Meant to Be. It wasn’t her favorite job because she never got
to be the “other” in these stories. No, if Mulder and Scully weren’t
sleeping with each other, they weren’t getting any.
“Okay, so who do I have to be today?” Mary Sue asked. She looked. Aw,
damn, she had to be a teenager. One of those mysterious ‘cousins’ Mulder and
Scully were always sporting that appeared, got one or the other to admit they
were in love, get up enough nerve, then mysteriously disappeared so that they
could do it.
Mary Sue was really jealous about that. X-Files fanfic writers were Lords
of the Smut, and in the few stories she did get Mulder or Scully, yeeow. Good
day. So Mary Sue was kind of sulky as she pawed through ‘Beyond Jennifer and
Jason’ and finally decided on a mundane name.
Susannah Leanne O’Leary. She was going to be Scully’s cousin this go round.
Mary Sue– now Susannah– went to her closet and spun it to the teenager
section. Wide-leg jeans, baby tee, platform sneakers, extra earrings, and a
long, silky red wig. Fortunately, Mary Sue was ageless, but she really wasn’t
a kid any more.
After dressing in her ridiculous modern clothes, Mary Sue went to her
laptop and powered up. Several interesting gadgets popped out, fitting
around her face and hands. A message flashed across the screen: “Mary
Sue Diagnostic Test” then several checklists popped up.
INTELLIGENCE: OFF THE SCALE
BEAUTY: PRETTY, BUT NOT OUTSHINING ANYONE YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO.
AGE: IMMORTALLY BETWEEN 18-30
SENSE OF HUMOR: JANEANE GAREAFALO
COMMON SENSE: INCREDIBLE
* * *
FINAL SUMMATION: Mary Sue Smith, ‘Practically Perfect in Every Way’
Mary Sue smiled beatifically. She loved powering up the computer. She
cheerfully waited as her computer immediately dialed into the IAMS (the
International Association of Mary Sue) server. Mary Sue was for IAMS. There
was so little of her and so many television characters that needed help!
And some of the other Mary Sues (like Mary Sue Anderson) took care of shows
Mary Sue didn’t like, like ‘Dawson’s Creek’ or ‘Millenium’.
After logging in, Mary Sue who kept forgetting she was Susannah now read
the assignment and groaned. Mary Sues in the X-Files were usually annoying
anyway, but Susannah was going to be a dork and a half. Mary Sue took a deep
breath and squared her shoulders.
“Everyone has to do their duty,” Mary Sue said. “Mulder and Scully really
do go well together, and if Chris Carter won’t do it, the pigheaded
wanker, then I will.”
Her beautiful face looked extraordinarily radiant and heroic as she
gallantly took her assignment and prepared to help the world of
television for the better. It was, after all, her fate as Mary Sue.
* * *
Dana Scully Residence, Magic Time
It had really come as a surprise to Scully that her Aunt Ginny and Uncle
Michael O’Leary had been unable to visit along with her cousin Susannah
(whom she couldn’t remember, but then again, Scully had dozens of cousins
she didn’t remember), but it was all right, really. Susannah was a total gas.
For a nineteen-year-old student visiting before going for a year abroad
at the Sorbonne, where she was studying nuclear physics and Eastern
philosophy and Scandinavian literature while working for the French
government on a secret computer project and modeling for Chanel, she was
really very unpretentious. Scully couldn’t put her finger on it, but she
wanted to tell this girl everything.
(Susannah/Mary Sue was very glad the Hall of Justice had conferred her the
status of Honorary Superhero and given her the ‘Insta-Trust-a-Matic 6000’. It
made this *so* much easier.)
“Susannah, you don’t have to wash the dishes. You’re the guest,” Scully
“Oh, Cousin Dana, I don’t mind at all. I like to wash dishes,” Susannah
replied. “That was a great dinner, Cousin Dana. You’re great.”
“Thanks,” Scully said with a big sigh. She was thinking about Mulder,
which she did at least twice every twenty seconds. Susannah felt rather
bad about knowing that. If it weren’t for her duty as a Mary Sue, she’d
suggest the woman find someone in a bar and get herself some, but that
would break every code of the Mary Sue. (Sigh, she’d written the damn
thing back in 1958, when things were different.)
“What’s wrong?” Susannah asked.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
Susannah finished washing the dishes, which all sparkled with that perfect
Mary Sue shine (she’d learned it back from Alice on the Brady Bunch when she’d
been guesting as Marcia’s best friend Candy), and plopped down next to
Dana Scully on the couch. She could really use some of the wine
Scully was drinking, but Susannah was underage, and no Mary Sue could
“You want a glass, Susannah?” Scully asked.
“Sure,” Susannah replied. Screw it. If an action fostered trust, then it
was okay. Scully poured some of the red wine (Susannah avoided rolling her
eyes– van Blundht had really done a number for the Mary Sues to deal with–)
and Susannah gratefully sipped at it. At least it was cheap and strong.
All right, it was time to bring up the Great White Mulder. Susannah set
down the wineglass. “So, what’s a babe like you doing home on a Friday night,
Scully squirmed. Paydirt. No many how many times that got asked, it made
“I’m too old to go running around like a teenager, Susannah,” Scully lied.
“But you’re so pretty and I bet the guys line up around the block for a
date with Dana Katherine Scully.” Mary Sue gave herself points for that.
Pushing the point while doing the mandatory listing of Scully’s full name–
that was a three-point Mary Sue maneuver.
“That’s so sweet, Susannah,” Scully said. “But it’s not true.”
“Only have eyes for one guy?” Susannah asked. Scully immediately sipped at
her wine. She wasn’t one of those mushy romantics, but she was so cute when
she was trying to evade painful questions. “Like him?”
Oh, wow. It was the best happy Mulder and Scully picture Susannah had ever
seen. There was no way it was real. It screamed ‘plot device’.
“That’s just Mulder. My partner. We’re not involved, Susannah.”
Susannah grinned to herself, rose, flipped her long silky red hair, and
walked to the photo. She scrutinized it as though she’d never seen Fox
“He’s awfully cute,” Susannah said. “You guys look so sweet together.”
Ugh. Cute and sweet. Five dollars said it would be Dana and Fox at the end
of the night, when Susannah was on her way to ‘the movies’ so they could
get it on.
“Sweet?” Scully asked, lifting an eyebrow. “Mulder and I?”
“Well, maybe not sweet. But you guys look really good together. I’d boink
“Yeah, me too,” Scully confessed. Score one for the Susannator. “Why don’t
we turn on the CD player? I kind of feel like music tonight.”
Susannah nodded and went over to the player. God, did her ‘cousin’ have
awful taste in music tonight. Susannah quietly went for the ‘Infinitely
Small but Holds Everything’ Superheroine Purse of the Millenium and found
her CD collection. Inspiration, inspiration– Madonna’s ‘Like a Prayer’
album. That had some good ones on there.
“Don’t go for second best, baby, put your love to the test, you’ve know
you’ve got to make him express how he feels and then you know your love
Scully looked up. “I didn’t know I had this CD.”
“Yeah. I love Madonna,” Susannah said, grooving along to the music and
singing, “Make him express how he feels, and then you know your love is real.”
“This reminds me of med school,” Scully said vaguely. “Don’t go for second
It wasn’t Scully’s fault she was tone-deaf and had a terrible voice,
Susannah chanted to herself. “Express what he’s got, baby, ready or not,”
she sang, laughing. “I’m such a geek.”
“No, you’re cheering me up.”
“You’ve got to make him express himself hey hey,” Susannah replied. “So,
you’re just friends with Mr. GQ?”
“Mr. GQ? Oh, yeah. Although just friends hardly covers it. I’d die for
him, and he’d do the same. We’re really close. Except when we’re not.”
Scully’s eyes went distant, and Susannah knew she had her. She climbed
back onto the couch.
“Would you like to be closer?” Susannah asked innocently.
“I don’t think we could be,” Scully admitted.
“Would you like things between you to be different, maybe?”
“I’m– well. I don’t know. I mean, I don’t think he thinks that way about
me at all. One time, I all but took my clothes off and screamed ‘I want
you Mulder’and he went off to chase freakin’ tree lizard men.”
Angst-then-screw fic. Susannah closed her eyes to hide the eye roll. Bad
and wrong and evil.
“Well, maybe Mulder’s not always the sharpest tool in the shed when it
comes to love,” Susannah said amiably. Thought Susannah: that’s an
“That’s an understatement,” Scully said. “What would you do, Susannah?”
Susannah loved paint-by-numbers love. It was like hostage negotiations, a
process. And she, Mary Sue Smith or Susannah O’Leary or whatever, was reaching
“I think that I’d be honest. You can’t continue this way forever,”
Susannah said confidently. Susannah’s thoughts don’t bear repeating, but
they involved Chris Carter, a large stick, and several writing classes.
“Tell him how you feel.”
Scully looked surprised, like this was some form of novel idea. “But what
if he doesn’t feel the same way?”
“Then life goes on and you can date someone else,” Susannah said. Jeez,
this girl needed a life! “Like Skinner.”
“My boss?” Scully asked. “Are you crazy? And how did you know about my
“You mentioned him over dinner,” Susannah said very fast, cursing herself
for that slip of the tongue. “Why don’t you call Mulder now? No time like the
“But you’re here!” Scully protested.
“I forgot, I have a friend here. I’ll go look her up. We’ll go to the
movies,” Susannah said. “Come on, Dana. You can’t just pine away over
him. Make him express how he feels or kick his punk ass to the curb!”
“Yeah. You’re right, Susannah,” Scully said. Susannah would have said
something else comforting but her beeper went off. She looked down and
noticed the emergency symbol.
“What is it?”
“I need to use your phone really fast,” Susannah said. “Is that okay? I
think it’s my friend Molly.”
“It’s over there.”
Susannah grabbed the phone and casually walked for the bathroom, dialing
to the IAMS. “MSS here. This had better be important!” she hissed into
“Mary Sue Smith? We have a disaster in progress down on Deep Space Nine. A
Bashir/Dax piece has gone all wrong, and unless you hurry, Bashir will
end up in a threesome with Quark and Garak.”
“Oh dear God!” Mary Sue said. Accidental forays into slash were always
avoided in IAMS. They were always messy and someone always forgot lube or
something and the poor character ended up a bundle of wrong. “I’m almost
done here. I’ll be over in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”
“Thanks, Mary Sue. We know we can always count on you.”
“You bet. Later,” Mary Sue said, recovering. “Dana? That was Molly. I need
to go see her.”
Scully, who had been considering the way Mulder was always chewing on
something and how that could work for her, nodded.
“Here’s the phone. You gonna call Mulder? I would, if I were you,”
Susannah said, pushing the item into the redhead’s hand. Scully looked up
at her so-called cousin and smiled.
“I think I will,” Scully said. “Have fun, Susannah.”
“You, too, Dana,” Susannah replied. The wicked gleam in Scully’s eyes
surprised and pleased her– maybe it wouldn’t be a sap-fest.
“Oh, don’t worry,” Scully said. Susannah didn’t have time to worry. She
hurried out of the apartment and caught a cab. Damn those inferior Mary
Sues! Oh, well. Mary Sue Smith was doing what she did best– meddling in
television characters’ lives for the better. It was her sacred duty. It
was who she was.
“Deep Space Nine, and don’t spare the Warp Power,” she told the cab
The cab soared off, and Mulder reached the apartment with a dozen roses
and a gleam in his eye. Scully was waiting at the front door in only a trench
coat. She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. Their tongues
tangled and teeth clashed.
“Wanna come upstairs or can you wait that long?” Scully asked. Mulder
grinned and chased her to the elevator. Mary Sue, informed of her success by
Damn she was good. Doubtless she’d get a commendation from HQ from this,
even if she was being rushed to this next assignment. She hoped she had
time for a shower.