Very Terrible Crossovers [X-Files]

Very Terrible Crossovers
A Wretched Satire by Jennifer-Oksana, author of fics like “Mary Sue’s ‘On
X-Files Day'” and “Off-Off-Off Broadway”
Rated: PG-13
Summary: Very terrible crossovers.
Disclaimer: Um, I know XF belongs to 1013 but everyone else, I’m not sure,
okay?

On an average morning in an average town where an average fanfic reader is
trying to find something good… submitted for your approval…

What do you think you’re doing?

“Writing another parody.”

So what’s the concept this time?

“Crossovers. I got a terrible, awful idea, and it wouldn’t let go.”

You’re getting awfully full of yourself and your satiric abilities.

“Yeah, maybe. But this one is funny. Wanna see?”

Shoot.

CLICK!

Brady Residence
8:00 AM

“Mom, Marcia hogged the mirror today in the bathroom for ten minutes
brushing her hair!” Jan whined. “I don’t understand why Marcia can use the
bathroom all she wants, I have to spend more time on her hair than she
does and-”

“Jan,” Mike Brady told his stepdaughter. “You know that we’ve only got one
bathroom in the house, and we all have to share, and that the green eyes
of jealousy don’t look good on anyone.”

Alice drank another cup of coffee spiked with Kahlua and nodded. “Chin up,
Janners, I made your favorite lunch today: ham and swiss, double chocolate
cupcakes, and whole milk!”

“Why does everyone in this family hate me? If I eat all that I’ll get fat
and then Billy Myers will never ask me to the dance!”

Greg Brady grooved into the kitchen. “No breakfast for me, cool cats, I’ll
just have some coffee and be on my way.”

“Wait just a minute, young man,” Mike said. “In this house, we know that a
solid house has to be built on a solid foundation, and that for a solid
day, you need a solid foundation, and that’s breakfast.”

“But dad, me and my new friend Alex have to get to school early so that we
can practice!”

“Alex? I don’t recall meeting this Alex.”

“He’s a new kid. His parents work for the State Department,” Peter said.
“I wish I could work for the State Department. Alex has lived everywhere–
Russia, Egypt, Tunisia for some reason, isn’t that groovy?”

“Groovy or not, Greg needs to eat breakfast.”

The doorbell rang before anyone could protest. Mrs. Brady ran to the door
and opened it. A lean, sleek teenager in a leather jacket with glittering
green-hazel eyes smiled.

“Hi, I’m Alex Krycek. You must be Greg’s sister Marcia.”

“No, I’m Mrs. Brady. Come in, Alex, we’re all eating breakfast. You’re
welcome to join us.”

“Okay,” Alex said, following Mrs. Brady into the kitchen. Jan blushed.

“Hey, Alex, I’m sorry I wasn’t out there,” Greg said.

“No problem. We just need to get rolling. You’ve got your moped, right?”

“Yeah,” Greg said. “Did you see it? It’s totally awesome.”

“Hi, Alex, I’m Greg’s sister, Jan. You sound really neat.”

Alex Krycek smiled. “Hey, Greg’s sister Jan. Know any cool chicks at your
school?”

Just then, Marcia Brady emerged. “Morning everyone.”

“Good morning. You must be Marcia.”

“That’s right, and you are–?”

CLICK!

The Island Formerly Known As Gilligan’s but not Uber-Vince Gilligan,
Gilligan Gilligan.

“Cheer up, little buddy, it’s not so bad here,” the Skipper told the
depressed Agent Spender.

“I hate my life. Why did I get abducted by whatever it was, only to be
deposited on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere? I hate this!”
Spender whined.

“Well, little buddy, sometimes life sucks, but you just have to make do
with what you have,” the Skipper said cheerfully. “For example, this
island barely had food or water when we got here, but thanks to the
Professor’s know-how, we’ve now got our own coconut-powered web page: ‘The
Three-Hour Tour Refugees.’ We get three thousand hits a day.”

“If you’ve got a website, why the hell are we still stuck on this island?”
Spender snapped. “I mean, Ginger and Mary Ann aren’t very sexy anymore.
What do you do when, you know, you get urges?”

The Skipper grinned and leaned near Spender conspiratorially. “Well,
Little Buddy, we improvise there, too. A little backdoor action, if you
get my meaning.”

Spender’s eyes went huge and he backed away from the Skipper and into a
large jury-rigged contraption, which collapsed into a heap of tin cans,
Ginger’s glitter dresses, and of course, coconuts.

“You ninny!” the Skipper yelled, taking off his hat and slapping Spender
with it thoroughly. “That was our only coconut-tin-can-landfill fusion
generator! What are we gonna do? Use polluting fuels, son? Moron!”

CLICK!
Mr. Drummond’s Penthouse

“What you talkin’ about, Mulder?” Arnold bellowed. “Mr. D didn’t say
nothing about any alien abduction.”

“Open your eyes, Arnold! Mr. D doesn’t really work, yet he lolls around in
the lap of luxury in New York with this daughter of his who doesn’t seem
to have ever had a mother. I think there’s an obvious conclusion to be
drawn here.”

“Mulder, you’re crazy!” Arnold replied. “Kimberly isn’t your sister
Samantha. And where’s Willis?”

“Busy holding up a drugstore. Have they gotten to you, Arnold?”

“Has who gotten to me, Mulder?”

Mr. Drummond cheerfully entered the room, completely unaware of the
argument. “Boys, boys, no arguing. Look what I got!”

“Ice cream! Chocolate chip!” Arnold cried. “Mr. D, you’re the best.”

“Yeah, Mr. D, if that is your real name– where’s my sister?”

“What are you talking about?”

“He’s crazy, Mr. Drummond. He thinks Kimberly is his sister Samantha. He
says you’re one of them. I think he jumped off the deep end into an empty
pool a long time ago.”

Mr. Drummond’s eyes narrowed. “I think Mr. Mulder and I need to have a
little chat…”

“I knew it!” Mulder hissed triumphantly as the two men left the room.
“You’re one of *them*, aren’t you?”

“Mr. Mulder, you don’t understand what you’re talking about. Of course I’m
one of them! But that doesn’t mean you have to tell Arnold that!”

“Who do you report to, you son of a bitch?”

“Report to? Mr. Mulder, what are you talking about? I might be white but
that doesn’t mean I report to anyone, and I don’t appreciate you trying to
divide our family on issues of race!”

Mulder looked taken aback. “What? I didn’t– I–”

CLICK!
Major Nelson’s Astronaut Pad
Florida

“Get back in your bottle, Jeannie,” the Major said.

“But I’m not a genie! I’m a woman! And you’re not my master!” Fowley
cried. “And what’s up with this ridiculous get-up?”

Fowley plucked at the tight silver pantsuit outfit overlain with the pink
vest, and ignored all vague, improbable memories of a fancy premiere in LA
and a less-than-savory back view.

“Jeannie, into the bottle!”

“No, Master!” Fowley replied, nodding her head sharply. “I never got this
show at all! Jeannie could send you to the moon if she wanted but she
always did what you wanted.”

“This show?” Major Nelson asked. “What are you talking about?”

Fowley bit her lip. “Sorry. Anyway, why do I have to go back in the
bottle–”

CLICK!

“So it’s all settled, right?” Alex said. “You and Heidi Wasserstein and me
and Marcia will go on a double date to the drive-in tomorrow?”

“Sure, I’d love to, Alex,” Greg said. “But I haven’t asked my dad yet and
he likes three days notice.”

“Tell your dad– look, tell your dad that he knows he can trust you,
Marcia, and me, and that we’re just going to the drive-in.”

“Well, all right, Alex. I can’t wait to see the movie.”

Krycek, to his credit, didn’t roll his eyes. “Right. The movie. And the
fact that Heidi Wasserstein’s going to be right next to you doesn’t add
any excitement to the evening?”

“Well, Heidi’s a swinging chick, no doubt about it, but–”

“She’s a swinger?”

“Sure,” Greg said. “Come on, let’s practice. And a one, a two, a one two
three four–”

The cameras obscured most of the next shot, but it looked suspiciously
like Alex was mouthing KILL ME NOW as Greg dove into his latest rock
ballad.

“Girl, you know I love you, girl, you know I do, girl, with your pretty
pretty hair, girl, I wanna love yooooouuu– Alex, back-up vocals?”

CLICK!
Tanner Residence

“Uncle Wally,” Stephanie whined. “Michelle took Mr. Bear and won’t give
him back!”

“Mr. Bear!” Michelle cried, as the room filled with mysterious “awwws” and
AD Walter Skinner cringed.

“Hey Mr. Skinner,” Kimmy said, walking into the house. “How’s it going?”

“Not too well, Kimmy.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Is DJ around?”

“Hey, Kimmy,” DJ said, looking depressed as she came down the stairs.

“What’s wrong, Deej? Aren’t you excited? We’re going to the movies with
the coolest people in school!”

“Yeah, and all they’re going to see is this–” DJ said. “I have a– a– a
ZIT.”

“DJ has a zit! Ewwww!” Stephanie cried. “Hey, Michelle! If you give back
Mr. Bear, I’ll give you a cookie!”

“COOKIE!” Michelle cried, dropping the bear and running for Stephanie.
Skinner sat down and began rubbing his temples when Mr. Tanner himself
entered the living room.

“Hey, girls, what’s going on?”

“I hate Uncle Wally!” DJ cried, stomping upstairs.

“COOKIE!” Michelle bellowed in that oh-so-cute way.

“Nobody ever payth any attention to me!” Stephanie whined.

Kimmy looked at Skinner, Mr. Tanner, and the Tanner girls, and shook her
head.

“I’m going to the movies. We’re gonna go see Skull-Cruncher Four. Well,
have fun.”

Something broke in Skinner as he saw the girl running for the only exit,
the open door.

“Take me with you!”

“To Skull-Cruncher?”

“Anywhere, just get me out of this house!”

CLICK!
Stephens Residence
Somewhere in TV Land

“Darrin, I don’t understand why you keep lecturing me. I’m not a witch,
and I didn’t just lose the Petrie account for you,” Dana Scully protested.
“And I’m not your wife, either.”

“Samantha–”

Scully shuddered. Samantha was about the *last* name she ever wanted
attached to her own. Except for maybe Mulder, because it would just be
so– wrong! Dana Mulder, Dana Scully-Mulder, Dana Mulder-Scully (not that
she ever thought about things like this, it was just instinctive not of
the good.) No sir, she didn’t like it.

“Look, my name’s Dana Scully. Scully. Something very strange is going on
here–”

“Something very strange is always going on around here, Sam, and I want a
stop to it! A man’s home is his castle, and he has a right to come home to
his queen without her being a scrawny little redhead.”

“SCRAWNY?” Scully shouted, hands on hips. Ooh, that did it. “I am not
scrawny!”

She wiggled her nose just a little, and Darrin immediately turned into
someone else.

Fox William Mulder someone else.

“Sam, this isn’t funny!” Darrin protested in Mulder’s monotone.

“What’s not funny, Dorien?” Endora asked, materializing out of nowhere.

“Darren. Look what your daughter’s done to me!”

Endora looked at Scully. “She’s got good taste. Pity she isn’t my
daughter. Samantha took a vacation to the Bermuda Triangle, remember?”

“No I don’t remember! Will one of you turn me back?”

Scully shook her head. “I like Darrin this way.”

“Yes, me too. Where on earth did you come up with that sort of bland
all-American good looks, my dear?”

“Oh, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

CLICK!

Near the Brady Residence
Somewhere in TV Land

“And that! Is for making me sing back-up vocals for your corny-ass songs!”

“Alex!”

“And that is for not getting a car!” Alex Krycek yelled, kicking Greg
Brady in the ribs. “And THIS is for having the ugliest moped on earth for
me to take to the drive-in!”

Greg groaned. He wasn’t having a very groovy time.

“Come on, girls, let’s skip the drive-in. I know guys who know guys who
have a stylin’, groovy house not too far away.”

“Is Greg gonna be okay?” Marcia asked. “Does my hair look all right?”

“Yes,” Alex said. “To both questions.”

“Well, then, let’s go!” Heidi Wasserstein said. “Is there really room for
three of us on Greg’s stupid moped?”

“I changed my mind. We’re not taking Greg’s moped. We’re borrowing Mr.
Brady’s car.”

As Mr. Brady’s car zoomed off for action and adventure, Greg Brady looked
up from the grass, battered and bloodied, and said–

CLICK!

That was cruel.

“What was cruel?”

Beating up Greg Brady.

“I always wanted to do violence to the Bradys.”

What are you going to do about all of them?

“All of them what?”

You can’t just leave them running around loose in TV Land like that.

“I suppose not.”

So what’s the plan?

“This…”

CLICK!

“I’m sorry I beat you up, Greg,” Alex Krycek said, looking rather
distraught. “I’m sorry I wrecked your car, Mr. Brady, and I’m really sorry
that Marcia broke her arm because of my reckless driving.”

“Young man, you’ve learned a valuable lesson here today.”

“Yes I have,” Alex said penitently. “I’ve learned that you never drive
with Heidi Wasserstein in your lap around Dead Man’s Curve.”

“What was Heidi Wasserstein doing in your lap?”

“Keeping it warm,” Alex said. “Can you ever forgive me?”

“Of course we can, son,” Mike said, giving Alex a hug. “Sometimes, you can
only learn a lesson the hard way.”

“You’re so very right,” Alex said. “The very hard way.”

(fade up theme music…)

CLICK!

“I can’t believe my little buddy Spender actually used our website to find
a private rescue service to take him off the island without rescuing us,
too!” the Skipper cried. “And after all we’d done for him!”

“Some boys just stay naughty, no matter how many spankings they got as
children,” Ginger replied. “Wouldn’t you agree, Professor?”

“What I don’t understand is how he got the pineapple-powered radio to send
*out* a signal,” the Professor said. “Well, it’s a hard life for us
castaways, but I suppose we must endure. How are those rum and pineapple
screwdrivers coming along, Mary Ann?”

“Just fine, Professor!” Mary Ann chirped. “I miss Little Spender, though.”

“We all do, Mary Ann,” the Skipper said, putting his arm around her. “We
all do.”

(fade up theme music…)

CLICK!

“I’m so sorry I thought you were a spy for the secret underground
government. I totally appreciate what you’ve done for Willis and Arnold,
and I’m so sorry I’ve undermined that. I’m really sorry.”

“See, whitey can’t stand no manipulation against his plans, my brotha,”
Arnold announced. “All them blue-eyed devils! They just want to exploit a
brother, to bleach him out.”

“Preach on,” Willis added.

“If there’s anything I can do about that–” Mulder said, feeling a little
guilty. “And I’m really, really sorry about those blood tests on
Kimberly.”

“She’s recovering. I understand– you must really love your sister.”

“Yeah, I do,” Mulder said. “I wish I knew what happened to her.”

“She’s better off, she’s no longer a part of the Establishment!” Arnold
cried.

“You know, keep that up, and you won’t get any allowance money this week,
Arnold!” Mr. Drummond said.

“What you talkin’ bout, Mr. D?”

“We don’t stand for race-baiting in our home. Now you snap out of it or
else your allowance is suspended.”

Arnold’s face took on a cheerful expression. “Aww, Mr. Drummond, you know
I was just jokin! I love you!”

“I love you, too, Arnold,” Mr. Drummond said.

(fade up theme music 3)

CLICK!

“So you’re not a genie at all?” Major Nelson asked. “What’s with the suit,
then?”

Fowley had the good grace to look embarrassed. “I don’t know, Major
Nelson. I think I must have been blitzed.”

Jeannie smiled. “Would you like something to eat or drink before you go
back to your dimension, Ms. Fowley?”

“Umm, that’s okay, Jeannie. Just send me back!”

Jeannie promptly did so. “I hope I sent her to the right place.”

“Jeannie!”

“Just kidding, master!”

CLICK!

“The house was a total loss,” the fireman told Mr. Tanner. “I’m sorry.”

“Our house!” DJ cried.

“Mr. Bear!” Stephanie wailed.

“COOKIE!” Michelle bellowed. All three girls burst into tears.

“Girls girls girls,” Mr. Tanner said. “Don’t cry. Sure, our house was
burnt down by a mysterious pair wearing all black and all of our things
were destroyed. Sure, your uncles Jesse and Joey perished in that fire and
their careers are lost somewhere in the debris. But you know what?”

“What?” DJ asked.

“We haven’t lost everything.”

“We haven’t?” Stephanie asked.

“We still have each other, and that’s the most important thing of all,”
Danny said. The girls and their dad hugged gushily, while in the bushes…

“I hate them,” Skinner muttered. “Never thought I’d turn to arson, never.”

“Come on, Wally. Join the dark side! Look, there’s the Mason house over
there. Let’s burn it!” Kimmy said. “Come on!”

“I love you, Dad!”

“I love you, DJ.”

Awwww—

CLICK!

“So it was all a terrible misunderstanding. My cousin Dana is very new to
using her powers on Earth, aren’t you, Cousin Dana?” Samantha Stephens
asked Dana Scully.

“Mm-hmm,” Scully replied, hiding her grin.

“And she loves her warlock husband, Cousin Fox, very much, so she wanted
to– well, what did you mean by turning Darrin into your husband?”

“I was just having fun,” Scully replied. “I’m so sorry about everything,
Samantha. I didn’t mean to cut your vacation short.”

“It’s all right. Your trick saved the Roxbury account,” Darrin said. “If
you two lovebirds ever want to come back and visit again–”

Mulder shook his head. “Um, that’s okay. We’re not earth-type people. I
think we’ll go to Jupiter for our next vacation, just like we planned,
hmm, Dana honey?”

“But Jupiter’s full of old bores. Why don’t we go to Venus?”

“Whatever you say, pumpkin. Nice meeting you, Cousin Darrin. Are you ready
to go home now, Dana?”

Endora, who was standing behind Darrin, nodded. Scully nodded, and looked
at Endora and Samantha with a question in her eyes. They both nodded back.

“Bye-bye, everybody,” Scully said, wrinkling her nose one last time to
reveal a black-silk-boxer-clad Mulder. “It was surreal!”

CLICK!

“See, I fixed it.”

Good for you. What was the point?

“That X-Files characters go anywhere.”

You just wanted to have Krycek beat up Greg.

“Well, then why did I do all those other crossovers?”

To cover it up.

“You think you’re so smart. Fade to black already.”

Okay.

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