Ruby Red Desire [X-Files]

Ruby Red Desire
by Jennifer-Oksana
Description: A PG Scully/Skinner piece, V/R/A, spoilers up to Redux, set right
after All Souls.
Summary: Desire is rarely simple and rarely without pitfalls.
Disclaimer: 1013, CC, no sue, no own, all good.
Brief Note: This is the first of a series. Archive away as long as my name and
e-mail addy remain attached.

I don’t know exactly how it happened. Originally, it was all about
admiration. Agent Scully is a success of a human being, a woman, and an
agent. I was honored to know her, and if the world wasn’t what it is, it may
not have gone any further. But it is, and we did.

Dana is a siren, quite unconsciously, but she is. The men who hand-groomed
her to work with Agent Mulder understood this. Light shines in the dark. Dana
shines in the world. Mulder was supposed to wreck himself over her. But
Mulder is a law unto himself, and I respect him. An island in a sea of
corruption.

I’m trying to explain something quite simple, you know. But it’s complicated
by links, characters, intricate plots, and evil men.

I’m sleeping with her. I’m in love with her. That is the simple part. The bare
facts. Everything else– a mess. A mass of confusion.

It was during her cancer. That’s simple. She was sick and dying and Mulder
was impossible. I have nothing but respect for Mulder usually– but he was an
idiot. She was dying– she didn’t need distance (for whatever good reasons he
had). She needed to know he cared. Idiot.

I found her crying in a hallway one afternoon. It was after the case
involving the dead girl in the bowling alley. Scully was so embarassed to get
caught in tears. I don’t know what I did, or even what I said. I do know I
invited her to dinner, as a friend, as someone who was worried, as someone
who cared. I’ve asked her a thousand times what exactly it was.

“You had what I needed,” Dana tells me. “Companionship. Honesty.
Kindness.”

I bite my lips at that. She doesn’t realize I’m in love with her, that I’d
fall into Hell for her. She doesn’t realize she inspires the ultimate from
everyone. She doesn’t even trust me.

I understand why. We started our affair right when the cancer got much worse.
Mulder could never be the betrayer. They like to work from the inside. It
made sense I could be against her. But it still hurt to catch my lover and
see hatred color her eyes. That hiss still haunts my nightmares–

“You….”

And worse, it was Mulder who absolved me. Dana, my lover, she made me their
straw target. Mulder saved my life. I owed him. I owed him for my safety, but
more importantly, for her life. I owed him because his partner, his whole
heart, was in my bed.

She didn’t break it off after she got better. I thought she would over a
dinner, in control. Dana Scully’s strength is in control. She and I chose to
have a quiet, controlled affair. We’ll end it the same way. No matter how
much it hurts.

God help me, thinking about her stirs all my desires. I’ve stolen some
moments of joy. I even feel a little content knowing she’s not unhappy. I
haven’t actively hurt her, unlike Mulder. The man is willfully blind. The day
he gets a clue, I’ll lose it all. I know who Dana Scully loves.

Maybe I should end it. She loves my honesty. I should tell her, “Dana, I love
you. But you love Mulder. Go to him. Tell him that. If he says no, I’m always
here.”

Always there. Her safety net.

This is bullshit. I don’t want to be stuck in this limbo when I know. I know a
lot of things, though, and they’re all contradictions.

I believe in duty and honor and justice. I think there is a principle of right
in the world, and I want to uphold it. But holding on to Scully contradicts
everything, like this, anyway. Because it’s not above-board. That makes it
dangerous. A loaded gun.

I don’t fear for myself. It’s Scully I’m worried about. Insinuating her so
deeply into Mulder’s psyche, maybe even into mine has made her the trump
card. I have to let her go. I have to do my duty to mankind, even if it’s
futile. There are larger issues than one ex-Marine who loves one precious,
perfect woman…

I can’t. I’m not ready to give her up. Not yet. I will. I have to. I will.

Phone rings.

“Hello?”

“Can I come over?”

“Anytime.”

“Thank you.”

She hangs up.

My love for her is killing me. I have to stop this. I will. I have to. I will.

Soon.

END

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